


As It All Falls Down

by Eravalefantasy



Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst, Explicit Language, F/M, Lyrium Addiction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-15
Updated: 2016-01-15
Packaged: 2018-05-14 00:53:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,980
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5723428
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eravalefantasy/pseuds/Eravalefantasy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Emotions Writing Prompt from Fellowship of the Cullenites Writers<br/>The prompt: Resentment</p><p>A precarious romance starts after the Inquisitor ends her relationship with the Iron Bull. Cullen and Sofia's relationship deteriorates as deep emotions of bitterness and resentment eat away at a fragile union.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_Who knows me as You do?_

_You have been there since before my first breath._

_You have seen me when no other would recognize my face._

_You composed the cadence of my heart_.

 

Cullen returned the book to his night table. “This isn’t working.”   _Sofia must still be at the Rest with Dorian, Varric and Bull_ _and it appears she plans to break her promise once again._ Sofia ended her relationship with Bull months earlier yet she continued to spend her free time with him. Cullen could usually dismiss the late nights and forgotten meetings as her way of keeping in touch with her inner circle but lately her absence felt more and more like silent rejection. The previous week started well enough but turned sour as it cultivated his concerns about their relationship.

_Sofia raced into his office laughing. He looked up at her flushed cheeks and wide grin and smiled back. “Should I be worried?” He chuckled._

_Wild gestures accompanied her excited expression and then stopped herself and shrugged. “I realized I can’t say a word, it will ruin the surprise.” She quick stepped to his side and leaned her head on his shoulder._

_“Sof, you know how I love surprises.” Cullen looked back to the reports on his desk. “Give me a little time and then I’ll submit to whatever you have planned.”   When she was this close to him, his resolve weakened faster than he could compensate with logic and work._

  _“I will respect your wishes, Commander – for a kiss.” She winked and attempted to waggle her eyebrows._

_He laughed again. “I suppose I will have to make an exception.”  He guided her towards him until they faced one another. “Hi.” He smiled as his thumb feathered a light touch along her bottom lip._

_Cullen closed his eyes and leaned in and a giggle pushed them apart. Not just any giggle, part laugh part bleating of a farm animal the pair could hear Sera outside his door. “We have to go, Quizzy! Kiss the Culler –Wullers bidey- bye and shake your arse!”_

_Sofia pulled him to her and kissed him several times before she looked up into his eyes. “I have to see a man about a thing. I’ll be back in three days.”  She moved towards the door and then changed her mind falling over herself to reach him again. They fell against the wall her face hovered a breath away from his. “I love you.” She kissed the tip of his nose. “See you soon.”_

_He laughed and rested his head on hers. “I love you, too. Be safe.”_

_Sofia’s absences never weighed too heavily on him as he found peace in her affections. He prayed for her safe return at night and for a time when they might be free of their obligations to the Inquisition._

_Several days later, the party returned and a runner delivered a message to Cullen._

_My quarters after sundown._

_Cullen walked without fear through the main hall to Sofia’s quarters. He did not realize Sofia was in the Rest with the usual crew and she lost track of time._

_Four hours passed as he waited alone. Every passing hour his thoughts raced taking him deeper into the darker places of his heart and mind. He fixated on her attention to Bull and how her companions outweighed his importance. His fears became truth as time abandoned him in the silence of her room. To leave would alert all those in the main hall to his failure and betrayal._

_Finally, crushing pains in his head forced him to accept he’d been replaced by her companions once again. Cullen decided that there was no escape from the impending humiliation and resolved to return to his office. The walk through the main hall amid whispers and glances fueled his embarrassment. Cullen was on display for all to see and her mocking him took root with each step._

_The whispers floated in the night air and landed near the table where Sofia sat oblivious to the heartache and embarrassment her absence caused._

_When the passage of time struck her, she hurried to his office. She found him staring out the small window._

_“You embarrassed me, Sofia. I looked like a love starved fool sitting in your quarters while you laughed with Bull and the others. Was this your idea or your friends to humiliate me? If you did not wish for my company, you should have left me alone. Yes. I’d prefer that – to be left alone.” Sofia did not speak. “Nothing? Not a single word comes to mind? What’s this I see on your face? Pity for the silly little Templar who thought a mage could love him?”_

_“Cullen, I’m sorry. You are not looking as this reasonably.  It was not intentional.”_

_He laughed, but the sound was not the sweet comfort she loved about his laughter. This was bitter, cold and painful. “I’m not being reasonable? It was not intentional? The insult is delivered; do not add to it. The message is received. Your friends and their nightly debauchery matters more to you – I see that now.  I cannot begrudge you that friendship but I would like to be alone. Good night.”_

He dismissed the memory from his thoughts and pulled on trousers, a tunic and searched for his boots as another memory flashed through his thoughts. “Unlike others I mean what I say.” Cullen hissed aloud.

_He looked up at her and tried to will the words to fall first from his lips. “Say it!” He pushed himself. Instead of his heart speaking its need his controlled self spoke. “You are . . .” He sighed. “I have never felt anything like this.”_

_“I love you, you know that right?” She told him what he needed at that moment._

 He searched the room for his other boot as he spoke aloud. “Perhaps love is something mages give out as one gives advice. It’s not who I am.” Cullen continued his conversation with himself as he pulled on one boot and then the other. “She mocks me in front of all of them.”  He slid down the ladder.

Cullen stood straight, hands balled in tight fists.  “I must be quite the source of amusement and ridicule for their drunken evenings.” A tight band of pain encircled his head - this was no headache due to lyrium. He’d only recently used lyrium again. Sofia had insisted he cease his use, but he’d grown tired of trying to please her and found lyrium took away some of his discontent. _At least I remain in control of my abilities._ He thought without rancor. Cullen believed he could command more respect if he were intact.

He rubbed his temples with his palms to subdue this new onslaught of pain - it began in the last few weeks as Sofia pulled away from him. The longer he dwelled on it Cullen’s agitation grew until he slammed the side door open and stalked along the ramparts through the doors until he reached the top floor door of the Rest. He could watch her to see if his concerns were true.

Cullen could not see the table occupied by the foursome from his spot along the bannister and he resolved to move closer and grimaced as Bull’s raucous laughter filled the tavern.

Cole’s eyes followed Cullen as he watched the scenes below him.

“She carries you with her.” Cole offered.

Cullen cut off the boy flinging out an outstretched arm cutting through the air. “Don’t lie, Cole.”

He moved closer and mimicked Cullen’s stance and matched his positioning to a perfect mirror image. “I don’t know how to lie. When she stands in a fight, she stands with you and tries to make you proud of her.”

Cullen shook his head but did not speak.

“What does that mean?” Cole asked.

“It means you are wrong, Cole. It is Bull she respects not me.” Cullen rubbed his temple; his headache returned stronger this time. “This is ridiculous. Skulking about in the shadows, it’s unworthy of me – it is their games that forced me to react this way.”

Cullen stood straight, turned on his heel and left the way he came.

Cole watched in confusion as the Commander left him standing there. “No, it is your name; Bull does not sound like Cullen. I know what I hear.“ Cole spoke to no one and resumed watching those below.

___________________________

Sofia attempted to leave several times throughout the evening and each time she tried to stand Bull or Dorian would pull her back down.  She stopped paying attention to the stories and joking around hours ago. Sofia promised Cullen she would see him tonight and once again she would break her promise unless she moved now.  “I am done for the night. I’ve wasted more than enough time with all of you.” Through protests and taunts she pushed her way through and squeezed out from the corner table.

She moved, sobered by the concern of disappointing Cullen again when she walked out into the night air Sofia stared between the warm firelight of the main hall and the darkness of Cullen’s tower. “He’s angry, no doubt.” Sofia said aloud.

Cole stood behind her to her right. “No. He’s empty. He wanted you to fill the space, but he lost. That’s what he thinks.”

 Sofia’s chest tightened. “Cole, did Cullen say that to you – he said ‘he lost’?”

Cole touched his head and heart. “No, he did not say it in words it was inside.”

She looked back once at Cole and hurried up the stairs to Cullen’s tower, her hand could not quite grasp the handle. She stood in front of the door and fought back at the thoughts brewed in her mind. _He lost? Lost what? He’s been distant, but he prefers solitude I don’t want to overwhelm him._ She looked down at her feet and the door’s movement startled her.

Cullen saw Sofia’s face in front of him. At first, he thought it a vision and allowed his face to wear the loss he felt.

“Cullen, I – “ Sofia stopped as the man who stood before her was as empty as Cole said. His eyes sagged downwards and the red rims told her of his sadness. _Cullen's feelings run deep. I’ve wounded him._ She thought. Concern touched her as an artificial smile quickly displaced his dejected expression.

“There you are.” His words were insincere, a worthy companion to the imitation smile on his face.

Two very different conversations took place, each participant unaware of the other.

“I’m sorry Cullen I lost track of time.” Sofia searched his face for a sign of understanding. _Forgive me, love. I wasn’t thinking you might wait for me._

He looked everywhere but into her face. “It’s all right. I wasn’t tired.”  The smile remained in place although his true response went unheard it stabbed through him. _I waited for you and you didn’t come._

The two stood facing each other, but neither talked for a few minutes until Sofia could not face his pain without tears. “I – maybe I should go.” She heard the uncertainty in her own voice. _Tell me you want me, Cullen. Tell me I should stay._ She pleaded with her eyes.

He gripped the side of the door and nodded. “I think that might be best for now.”  He closed his eyes for a moment and then looked into hers. _Stay, Please don’t go._

She turned from him. “Sofia, wait.” He swallowed hard and tried to pull the words from inside. _Say it. Maker take you, say you love her!_ “Sofia, I – “. Cullen’s mind brought back every thought, the mocking laughter of Bull in the tavern and how she ignored him yet again. This was not some petty jealousy of a rival and this indignation at her treatment of him clouded his heart. “Good night.”  He closed the door, placed his hand upon it and rested his head against the door. Ragged breaths unheard covered the sound of his breaking heart.   _I love you, Sofia._ After some time he returned to his desk to wait for morning.

Sofia returned to her quarters and fought back tears until she fell asleep.

______________________

She woke to find Cullen sitting at her desk. “I need to apologize for my behavior, Sofia. You deserve better from me. I know you leave this morning and I want to clear this between us.”  He replaced his heart with stone and strength. He could endure time with her and forget his need to love and be loved by her.  

“Give me a moment and I’ll join you. I don’t want to talk like this, Cullen.” Sofia pulled back the blanket. He turned away to give her time. She sighed. He’s seen me many times in stages of undress and still turns his head.  “Cullen, I slept in my clothes, it’s all right.”

“You slept in your clothes? Why . . .oh. Forgive me.” He recognized the same tired look, the same concern on her face as he held at this moment.

Sofia pulled her chair around to sit in front of him, knees near touching and pulled his hand into hers to hold it, but his hand stayed slack and did not return the touch. She held her breath and spoke. “Is this where it all falls down?”

Cullen looked into her face. “I’d like to think we’d get another chance at some point.”

Sofia exhaled in sharp bursts willing her eyes not to tear and nodded. “I’d like that.”

He pulled his hand from hers back to his side. “Not now, you understand. What I . . .feel prevents me from doing so and I fear it will only get worse.“

“We could work together, Cullen.” Sofia offered. “I want to help work through – “

He cut off her comment. “No. Our duty is to the Inquisition, there will be time for us.” Cullen stood. “I will not fail as your adviser, Inquisitor.”

She was not prepared for his stoic responses. “That is not what I meant, Cullen.“

“It will have to be enough, my Lady.” He descended the steps and left.

_______________________________

Sofia took to heart Cullen’s words and pushed her companions to serve the Inquisition with honor. She no longer joined them in the tavern. She practiced her magic with Dorian whenever there was time and learned to defend herself with Cassandra’s guidance. No one complained about Sofia’s change in dedication, but seeds of concern took root.

Cassandra was the first to approach Cullen with her fears about Lady Sofia. Cassandra entered Cullen’s office and stood in silence as he gave instructions to one of the runners. She looked around his book cluttered space and desk until her eyes glimpsed a brown chest with blue bands and she narrowed her eyes. The runner departed leaving them alone.

“You are taking lyrium again? When and why did you not consult with me first? Cullen, did Sofia order you to do this? Is that what troubles her so?” Cassandra asked.

Cullen’s expression changed from anger to concern as Cassandra mentioned Sofia. “I did not know she was having difficulties, is there anything I should know?”

Cassandra’s exaggerated sigh filled his office. “I should have guessed you were ordered to resume your lyrium use, what else could explain your mood changes and why she is in this shared melancholy.”

He shuffled papers on his desk to straighten them. “If you must know, I resumed my lyrium consumption on my own. The Inquisitor played no part in that decision.”

She slammed her fist on his desk scattering papers and items on the ground. “This is ridiculous nonsense. This is about Sofia even if you refuse to admit it. You risk your health and your position here to prove what, Cullen? That you have the better heart?”

“I am not discussing my heart with you Lady Cassandra. The lyrium allows me to focus on my responsibilities.” Cullen replied. “When Corypheus is defeated, I shall stop.”

“I don’t believe you Cullen. You trade one pain for another and now you not only endanger yourself, but Sofia. She does not rest, she pushes herself to learn to fight and exceed her limitations. You poison yourself and she exhausts her body. Both of you are trying to forget and it’s maddening to the rest of us.”

Cullen stacked the papers on his desk. “Your concern is noted, Lady Cassandra, if you see fit to remove me, it is your decision.” He walked to the side door and opened it for her. “Good day, Lady Cassandra.”


	2. Chapter 2

Sofia and her companions readied themselves for the journey to the Arbor Wilds. The courtyard was a mess of carts and soldiers and the usual cacophony that preceded a large campaign. Cullen completed his briefing and raised a hand in greeting to Sofia across the courtyard. She smiled and returned the gesture, but he turned to climb the steps without waiting for her acknowledgement. Her face fell.

Bull watched the exchange and put his hand on her shoulder. “You sure you want me to do this, Boss? I don’t think he deserves anything from you.”

“Please Bull. Don’t lecture, just deliver it for me.” Sofia said. She walked towards the stables.

He wasn’t happy.  Bull respected Sofia’s wishes and did not interfere, but he fought the urge to challenge Cullen in the sparring ring just to have a crack at him. Bull knew Cullen was a mess, you don’t go through madness and chaos and come out a happy person but it was no excuse for this separation. Bull knocked on Cullen’s side door. He carried a large broadsword wrapped in animal hide and tied in rope knots.

“Come in, it’s open.” Cullen called from within.

Bull took the sword off his shoulder and placed it on Cullen’s desk. “Here. This is from Sofia.”

Cullen was surprised at its size. “It’s Qunari?”

Bull slit the ropes and peeled back the dark hide. “Yea. It’s one of a kind. I had to pull in a lot of favors and Sofia had to drop a lot of coin and she’ll be paying off favors until the end of time. _This_ is what we worked on all those late nights. _This_ is why she was always late; I thought you should know.”

Cullen marveled at the polished metal and the grooves etched into the blade, the lines flawless. He recognized the Qunlat near the hilt but did not know its meaning _. It must be the name of the sword._ He’d often admired the craft of the Qunari sword smiths; he’d seen enough of the broadswords in Kirkwall and recalled he told Sofia of his fascination with the naming of weapons by the Qunari Warriors. Cullen touched the steel. _You were made for a warrior, his strength._ Cullen thought.  “Bull, this is – this is magnificent. Who was it made for; I mean how did you purchase it? I thought Qunari swords were sacred, belonging to the original owner only.”

“You know what; you really are some kind of asshole, Cullen. It’s for _you_. She had me pull in every damned favor to have this made for _you_. Enjoy what your misplaced bitterness bought you. I hope you and this thing have a long lonely life together.” Bull’s sarcasm and anger broke through Cullen’s façade but he was unable comprehend the seriousness of the gesture.

“It was made for me?” Cullen lifted the blade and was shocked at how light it was and then somewhere in his awe he realized what he had done. He turned a gesture of affection and acceptance into a hollow gift and disrespected Sofia.

Bull’s sharp eye found the chest behind him. _Fucking lyrium? She needs to know_. Bull crossed his arms to exercise control over his growing ire. “The sword’s name is Aqun - it means Balance. Something you desperately need Cullen, especially now.  You hurt her and that pisses me off but what really chafes my ass is that I know you love Sofia and still you play this stupid game. You’re wrong, the only disrespect between you is coming off of you. How about that separation?  Makes a lot of fucking sense.” Bull slammed the door on his way out.

Cullen covered the sword and hurried to the side door and out onto the ramparts.  He searched for her amid the gathering troops and supplies until he saw her talking to Bull, her gestures projected her anger. Cullen felt he intruded on their conversation and returned to his office. There would be time to apologize later after the campaign was complete.

The crash of the door hitting the wall jarred his attention away from the sword.  “Maker’s breath, Cullen, is it true?”

He looked to her for more explanation and realized her focus as she stalked around his desk and halted when she found the cause of her anger. “You would hurt yourself to punish me. Cullen, you can’t use lyrium, tell me this not yours.”  She moved to the chest and tried to lift it. She grunted as the weight was too much for her and tears followed her frustration. “You promised me.” She tried again to pull the chest towards her.

“Sofia, please leave it alone.” Cullen whispered.  She dropped to her knees are opened the chest. “Sofia, don’t.”

She stared at him and threw the vials against the wall, shattering one after the other. “You promised me.” She threw a vial while holding his gaze. “We said we’d work together.” She threw another, and he cringed as the glass shattered and skittered across the floor. “If you want to hurt me Cullen, you must do it with your hands.” When she finished smashing the last vial, the viscous liquid oozed and pooled from the wall to the floor. She pushed herself to stand. She took a dagger from his sideboard and threw it against the door. “There. If you really want to make me pay, Cullen, why don’t you use that and stab yourself and wait for _me_ to bleed to death. Will that be sufficient?” She turned towards the door.

“Sofia, I’m not doing this to hurt you.” Cullen wanted to move to her but his legs would not carry him.

She sighed but did not turn to face him. “What’s done cannot be undone. The future is clear now; you want me to watch as you slowly fade from me until there is nothing left - there is no second chance.  I wanted to show you how important you are and I failed.”

Sofia wiped her face free of tears. “Commander, I need you to lead the soldiers and to do so you will remain lyrium free. If you are unable or unwilling to comply you will leave the Inquisition. You have until morning to decide. “

______________________ 

Cullen could not sleep and wandered Skyhold as the final preparations took place. He would agree to Sofia’s terms. Resuming his lyrium use made his nightmares return and he suspected his lack of sleep was a poor attempt to keep the nightmares under control.

Cullen wandered towards the stables and found them empty. _Blackwall must be at the tavern_. He moved toward the stalls and found Sofia’s Hart unsaddled.

A voice called to him from deep within the stable. “Cullen.”

He tried to focus into the shadows but the dark was too deep for him to discern any details. He grabbed a torch and stepped deeper into the stables. A flash of silver armor and glint of red sent Cullen stumbling backwards. _This is not real.  Walk it off. There are no Red Templars in Skyhold._

Cassandra and Sofia were right about lyrium. The haze and hallucinations were a high price to pay. Cullen’s fatigue would add to his difficulty, and he felt it would be wise to leave and take in the night air.

“You should go talk with Sofia. That would be best.” He told himself aloud but continued towards the armory. Inquisition soldiers walked by him and saluted or nodded and Cullen tried to recall faces and names but could not. The smiths worked without rest and the sounds of metal hammers and clangs against steel soothed him.

A voice called to him once again. “Cullen.”

His eyes flew open, and he looked around the main floor and saw a figure towards the stairwell wearing Templar armor bathed in the orange and red glow of the forge. “Come out of there, please.” Cullen called out.

“Ser?” The smith asked. “Do you require help?”

Cullen’s eyes moved back to where the figure stood a moment ago and the area was empty. “Maker’s Breath.  Where did he go?” Cullen pushed back his chair and followed the pathways set by the tables to the stairwell. There was no sign of anyone. He climbed the stairs to find the upper floors empty.

“You are far too tired and are imagining people and voices that do not exist.” He admonished himself aloud.

He once again stepped out into the quiet night. _It’s quiet. Something is wrong. There should be noise, men, songs or something. He thought._ Cullen continued towards the training area.

Sofia’s distressed voice pierced the silence. “CULLEN!” There was no mistake the screaming of his name.

“Sofia! Where are you? To arms! Skyhold is breached!  Inquisition! To arms! Sofia!” Cullen hurried towards the sounds.  He froze as a figure moved from the shadows into the firelight. “Cul….len” The tone in the disembodied voice dropped lower and lower as it repeated his name. A deep laughter followed the figure.

He drew his sword and through his gritted teeth addressed the intruder. “Maker take you.” With a single swipe the figure fell to the ground. The armor dissolved into the body of a woman. Her embellished tunic and trousers familiar and frightening to him. “S-s-s-sofia? No, it can’t be. This is another illusion.” Cullen heard the warning bells ringing and ran back towards the armory for help.

Cassandra ran past the armory to see Cullen and hurried to his side. “Cullen! What is happening?”

“I didn't... it was ...Red Templars inside.” Cassandra tried to make sense of his words he could see that in her face.

Cassandra’s eyes widened. “Cullen? What happened?”

Cullen’s thoughts were jumbled, confused. “I don’t know. I thought...and then she...but it wasn't . . .I swear to the Maker it was a Red Templar.”

Cassandra took hold of his sword and put a hand on his shoulder. “Cullen? Show me. Show me now.”

The two ran back to the place where Cullen found the intruder.  A woman lay on the ground a pool of liquid surrounding her. The lack of light made it appear slick and black. Cullen spied the blonde hair caked in mud and the same strange colored liquid.  “It can't be. . . I wouldn't . . . Andraste save me. . . what have I done?”

Bull and Dorian reached the training area first. Bull stared at the body in the dirt. His face pulled taut in anger he sneered at Cullen. “You. You did this. Just couldn’t let her go, could you?” He stalked towards Cullen, each step deliberate as his anger pushed him forward.

Cullen shook his head. “No, this isn’t real. This isn’t real!” Bull shoved him hard into the side wall. He bit his lip on impact the copper taste of blood on his tongue told him this was happening.

“Hold him back!” Cassandra yelled and Dorian could only use his magic to push Bull away from Cullen.

Cullen fell to the ground and rocked himself back and forth as he prayed. A hand touched his shoulder, and he cried out.

“No!” Cullen tried to sit up in his bed. Soaked in sweat gasping for air he wept with the realization of his nightmare. He dressed but did not take time to fix his appearance. He slid down the ladder and rushed through the main hall to Sofia’s quarters. “Please be all right.” He chanted the words again and again.

He took the steps to the top floor to see her sitting at her desk. Her stunned expression crystallized what he must look like in his current state.

The fear on his face startled her but it was his appearance, disheveled and scared that pulled her to his side. His hair was mussed and raw fear shone in his eyes. She rubbed his arms and tried to console him. “What happened? Did you have a nightmare?”

Cullen pulled her to him with such force she was not prepared as she crashed into his chest. His heart raced so rapidly her concern overwhelmed her own heart. He shook as he held her only fueling her worry.

“Please. Allow me this and then I . . .forgive me.” His buried his head in the crease of her neck and she realized he sobbed as he gulped for air.

She held him until his heart slowed and he spoke with renewed calm. “I apologize, it was a nightmare. I had to know you were all right. I will leave.”

Sofia bit her lip. If he left this would be the end for them she was sure of it. “No. I want you to stay. It would be better for both of us. I can help you and you can help me.”

He nodded, and she led him to her bed. “I’ll sit with you until you are safely asleep. It’s what you need most.”

“How will I be able to help you if I am asleep?” Cullen asked. “How can I help you if I don’t know what you need from me?” He strained against her hand and attempted to rise.

  She pushed him back to the mattress.   “All I need from you is to be the man I know you to be.”   Sofia held out her hand. He grasped it and held tight.

 


End file.
